A few years ago, I remember wondering if I was crazy.
Not crazy for thinking I could start a business and make money online or anything like that. That was never my problem, but crazy, crazy. Like off my rocker to the point of no return crazy.
I was worried the mental disorders that ran in my family, the trauma I had experienced in my past, and the severe depression I had fought off as a teenager and again in my twenties, had caught back up with me and pushed me off the deep end.
I remember curling up in a ball in my room hoping if I just held on tight enough, the noise in my head would all go away.
I went to the doctor not too long after that and was diagnosed with PMDD. If you’re like me and have no idea what that means, it stands for Premenstrual dysphoric disorder...that PMS is real, and my chemistry had kicked mine into hyperdrive.
For about two weeks of every month, I felt like I couldn’t trust my thoughts. I couldn’t tell the difference between the lies my brain was spinning into a web and the truth.
The doctor suggested birth control to regulate my hormones, but I also have a genetic disorder that pretty much turns birth control into a ticking time bomb. And, I didn’t want to go back on antidepressants.
<<I want to be clear that I fully believe in the power of antidepressants (they probably saved my life when I was younger), and I want to help end the stigma around taking medication and mental health. This isn’t a post about the merit of antidepressants.>>
Medication wasn’t the path I wanted to take this time around. I didn’t want to label myself, and I wanted to learn how to manage and navigate my mind. So, that’s what I did with the help of my incredible coach.
One day at a time, I practiced not listening to my brain because it was full of lies.
I got up every day and looked for places to pattern interrupt.
I fell on my face and into dark holes, then picked myself up again to do the work all over again.
I noticed my stories and started to rewrite them.
I learned to sit in my emotions and bathed in discomfort.
Some days I still wondered if maybe I was, in fact, crazy.
Until, one day, I didn’t anymore. One day, I felt even, tethered, grounded. I remember remarking that maybe this is what other people felt like every day.
Feeling even started shifting into feeling good, and feeling good became my new normal.
And, that new normal feels like true success. Yes, I have a profitable business I love, but that’s not the real success, it’s the byproduct of all the work I’ve done behind-the-scenes to be able to sit in a place and feel content and grounded. Knowing, I can weather any storm in my brain is something you can’t put a price tag on.
It’s a testament to ‘the work’ and the power of mindset, and its freedom.
So, if you’re feeling down in the dumps, wondering if you’re good enough, questioning your sanity, thinking you’re too broken to fix, or a hot fucking mess (all things I said about myself, btw) here’s my message to you, said with so much love from someone’s who’s been there:
There’s nothing to fix because you’re not fucking broken.
<<If you’re currently taking medication, you’re a freaking rockstar for putting yourself first and taking steps you need to shift your chemistry and thinking.>>
You’re AMAZING, and you have everything you need inside of you to rewrite your story and life.
Decide today that’s true. Decide today to do the work your future self will thank you for; then decide again every day moving forward even when it feels uncomfortable.
And, whatever you do, don’t listen to the lies your brain tells you. Because they’re mostly lies, and you get to decide what’s true for you.
With so much love and wishing you true success from the inside-out,